Voldemort's Daughter
by nathan-p
Summary: Written in March 2005, a truly dreadful, shockingly cliche fic about... Voldemort's daughter! Don't read it. Please.
1. Chapter 1

D: I will never, ever go back through my old files again.

Yes, it's another dreadful self-insert Voldemort's-daughterfic... coming to you all the way back from 9 March 2005!

I haven't altered the text in any way, but I've added some explanatory editor's notes in places. They appear in double parentheses.

No, I do not own Harry Potter. Honestly, after attempting to inflict _this_ upon it, I really don't want to.

Requests for rewrite will be gleefully ignored, and flames about the terribleness of the entire thing violently agreed with. Yes, I _know_ I couldn't spell my way out of a paper bag, that one should never mark POV, that Author's Notes belong well outside the story, and that chapters should be longer than this.

I didn't know that then.

* * *

Voldemort's Daughter (general/drama,maybe?/comedy)

Rating: who knows?probably no more than a PG because it might possibly involve creative use of the word "frick".Eh,and it also involves Fawkes being (insert synonym for "happy"),Dumbledore having an affair,Lupin giving a "gay pride" speech,and,oh yes,Hagrid + Fawkes(?)=traumatized ,thanx a million to Professor Elvira (you know who you are[hee hee hee]!)and of course,J..

Summary:If Voldemort's daughter were to enter her first year at Hogwarts at the same time as Harry Potter (yes,when he was entering his first year too,you dolt!),this is what would is,if Fawkes were to,eh,come out of the closet,if Dumbledore had something going on with a certain teacher,and if Lupin were to come back and give a speech on,erm,gay pride,while Hagrid is looking suggestively at Fawkes.

Disclaimer: I make absolutley no money off this,and none of the characters are mine except for Drakka,who is sort of what would happen if Darth Vader and Voldemort's genes were mixed together and became a ,here's the story(no more random comments,I swear!)and please,flame me all you like,'cause I don't care:

(Drakka's POV)

Dad always said I was special from the moment I was born.I'm different from every kid I I'm like other kids in one way;I live with a single for most of them,it's their mom who's I'm shoot mom left when I was nearing my first birthday,so I've never seen her,exept for one shows Dad,tall,imposing,long-fingered,gentle,and my mother,haughty looking,'re standing together,against a brick wall that's as dark as my mother's 's a Muggle photo,so they don't move and must have been taken by some Muggle,the kind of guy who offers to take the wedding picture at the wedding of two sadistic people who will die a week later in a joint suicide.(okay,that upped it to PG-13)

I inheirited Dad's features,all of them,except for the hair(I have some)and the are green like the kind of green you turn when you see your first dead hair is the kind of black your(alright,enough bad metaphors)pupils are,the color of the Monolith(okay,kudos to Arthur for the Monolith),the color between the stars.I share Dad's long,pale fingers.

(THIRD PERSON)

Drakka looked at the Muggle mail in her said:Dear ,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September await your owl by no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall ((Appears in giant cursive font in the original. Bless my little heart.))

Minerva McGonagall

_Deputy Headmistress_


	2. Chapter 2

Voldemort's Daughter (general/drama,maybe?/comedy)

Rating: who knows?probably no more than a PG because it might possibly involve creative use of the word "frick".Eh,and it also involves Fawkes being (insert synonym for "happy"),Dumbledore having an affair,Lupin giving a "gay pride" speech,and,oh yes,Hagrid + Fawkes(?)=traumatized ,thanx a million to Professor Elvira (you know who you are[hee hee hee]!)and of course,J..

Summary:If Voldemort's daughter were to enter her first year at Hogwarts at the same time as Harry Potter (yes,when he was entering his first year too,you dolt!),this is what would is,if Fawkes were to,eh,come out of the closet,if Dumbledore had something going on with a certain teacher,and if Lupin were to come back and give a speech on,erm,gay pride,while Hagrid is looking suggestively at Fawkes.

Disclaimer: I make absolutley no money off this,and none of the characters are mine except for Drakka.

'Kay,I lied at the beginning ,there will be lots of random comments,the acceptance letter is copied straight from the first book(pg.51 in my copy)except for the name,and in case you didn't get the "" thing , first off,it's funny because her father's given name is now Vol DeMort(get it?hee hee hee)and second,it's 's,like,the only funny part in this whole durn story,I ,and by the way,anybody who knows French,does the word "mort" mean death?Just that's true,her last name would mean "of death",hee hee hee.

Naturally,her father took her shopping for her things had been born and raised in the wizarding world,so there was no surprise to any of ,when she got to King's Cross train station,she found her father had left her got to the platform earlier than most,so she sat down and took a well-worn copy of _Dune _by Frank Herbert from her was quite absorbed in page 32,four lines down,second sentence,italics,when something brushed into her calmly slipped a bookmark(emblazoned with an idiotic looking monkey) into her place,turned to the stranger,and asked,"What the _frick _are you doing here so early?"

Much to her embarrasment,the girl answered,"I'm here for the _train_,you dolt."

Having thus made life-long friends of each other,Drakka soon discovered that the girl's name was Hermione Granger,that she was Muggle-born,and was very surprised to have recieved a it was finally time to board the train,they boarded together,but,thanks to a mishap involving someone's toad,a cat,and a very scared mouse,they were among the last to get they finally found one that was not full,it turned out to have two boys in it,one who looked like his head was on fire,and the other,whose hair was so black,it looked as though it had already burned into black sat down on the oppisite side of the two boys,and almost immediatly,the flaming one looked up and said,

"Harry!Harry!C'mon, I KNOW you're awake!"

Finally,he peeked up through some extremely mussed up hair,mumbled,"G'morning."And proceeded to fakely snore until the other shook him hard,at which he woke "up".He sat up,brightened at the sight of two girls his age,and said,"I'm 's Ron."

Ron said at this,"Y'know,he may not look it,but he's the Potter."

Harry sat up even straighter,leaned towards them, and said,"Yup,that's isn't you-know-who the most idiotic person ever?"

"Oh c--p."thought Drakka."The Voldemort talk." Ever since she'd begun to meet new wizard friends,she'd had to go through friend would bring up that issue,eventually.

FLASHBACK

Drakka was day of second grade;always a traumatic occasion,even for ,this was a wizard second least with Muggles,she wouldn't have had to worry about the sat alone at a desk in a dark really dark,just dark enough to scare some of movie had come out some years _Star Fight _or the villain was someone called Darth always sat in dark corners.

First thing the teacher did was ask everyone to tell what they did over the didn't notice what anyone else said until her name was called.

"DeMort,Drakka?"

"Here."She stood up promptly and said,"Over the summer,I read:_Dune,Dune Messiah,Children of Dune,God Emperor of Dune,Heretics of Dune,_and_ Chapterhouse:Dune_."

The teacher didn't blink an eye;most of the kids here were reading at a 6th grade level...or advanced wizard girl next to her was apparently called Eva Schmerlickson.(no offense, was the first sound that popped into my the same,i will recieve hate mail from some guy named John .)

Eva turned to her and said,"Did you hear the newest rumor?You-Know-Who is supposed to be getting it on with some chick from the 't that funny?"

"Er,yes."Drakka turned away and into her _Dune_ book.

END FLASHBACK

From that day forward,Drakka had been known as "that girl who rejected the most popular kid in school on the first day of second grade".

Something poked against her turned and found Hermione poking her with her wand.

"O.K.,good,she's what's your opinion,Drakka?"

"On what?"

"You know...'t you listening?"

"Not much no one really knows much about him,right?"Everyone stared at her in Hermione broke it.

"Shouldn't we put our robes on now?We're getting close."

Drakka put her robes on in complete "friends" thing was going to be hard.


	3. Chapter 3

Voldemort's Daughter (general/drama,maybe?/comedy)

Rating: who knows?probably no more than a PG because it might possibly involve creative use of the word "frick".Eh,and it also involves Fawkes being (insert synonym for "happy"),Dumbledore having an affair,Lupin giving a "gay pride" speech,and,oh yes,Hagrid + Fawkes(?)=traumatized ,thanx a million to Professor Elvira (you know who you are[hee hee hee]!)and of course,J..

Summary:If Voldemort's daughter were to enter her first year at Hogwarts at the same time as Harry Potter (yes,when he was entering his first year too,you dolt!),this is what would is,if Fawkes were to,eh,come out of the closet,if Dumbledore had something going on with a certain teacher,and if Lupin were to come back and give a speech on,erm,gay pride,while Hagrid is looking suggestively at Fawkes.

Disclaimer: I make absolutley no money off this,and none of the characters are mine except for Drakka.

Okay,so now they're starting fourth year,and essentially,Drakka has taken part in all the events concerning the whole ,Chamber of Secrets, werewolf thing, you thought the last two chapters were boring or sucked beyond belief,I chapter is where I **really** change the books.A is where it gets odd,extremely the bond,James ,not stirred.(sorry)

*HAL belongs to Arthur .

Now having been friends for what,three,four years?,they all knew each other's little Ron's tendency to twitch if you said the word "rat" or "Scabbers".Hermione's tendency to blush deeply if you mentioned Professor 's tendency to start blinking if you said the word "dog" or "Sirius".And Drakka's tendency to ... well,let's not go not.

Anyway,they barely looked up when the first years were was because the Sorting Hat had a new,incredibly boring song having something to do with Monty Python,the Killer Rabbit,and HAL*.Amazingly,Draco and Drakka managed to stay awake it was all over,Fawkes was sitting on Dumbledore's shoulder.

Drakka heard Fawkes squawk several they weren't normal nudged Hermione."Hey,Hermione!Psssst.(Finally.) Fawkes appears to be saying something."

"Ohmigawsh,is he saying what I think he's saying?"

"Yes,he appears to be repeating the words,'I'm gay.I'm gay.',over and over again."

"Funny."

"No,weird."

"You think we should tell Harry and Ron?"

"Yes."

Quite understandably,Harry and Ron were soon hysterical over nudged Hermione and whispered,"Do you see what I see?"

"A star,a star shining in the night,with a..."

"Owch,Ron!" Ron had kneed her under the table."Ron,stop it!Yes,I know,Professor Lupin's back."

"Well,listen to what he's saying."

" 'Everyone should be proud of the way they are.'How is that weird?"

"It's a thinly disguised 'gay pride' speech."

"Do you really think he's.."

"No!But look at Hagrid."

"Oh,ick!"

Hagrid was looking at Fawkes in a way normally only depicted on adult soap ,er,a 'special' way.

"Please, of us want to eat our meals."

After the feast,they walked through the corridors to Gryffindor Tower(if that's not what it's called,please tell me).Along the way,Drakka got rather a tirade from a portrait of an evil looking person who was trying to convince her to 'come to the Dark Side'.As a result,they were nearly their hurrying way,Harry saw a door open.

"Maybe it's a shortcut.",panted Hermione and Drakka.

Ron looked inside and pulled his head out with a sickened expression on his rest of them all had to look too,as says teenage Law.

On the way to the Tower,they discussed what they had and Drakka chorused,"Ew!Ew!I cannot believe it!Dumbledore was snogging* McGonagall!That is **sick**!"

Harry finally turned to both of them and growled,"Shut the frickin' heck up!"

They did.

They finally got back to the Tower and got to sleep almost immediatley although Drakka and Harry had rather unpleasant dreams that involved McGonagall being snogged by Dumbledore while Hagrid and Fawkes did the same.

In the morning they were woken by a was Hermione's combined with Drakka's.

DUN DUN **DUN**!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mua hah hah hah hah!!!!You're at my mercy until I decide to update!A hah hah hah hah hah!I hold your puny lives in my hands! in case you haven't guessed,I am **not **,am working on another fanfic right now,its called "mountain clan",so won't be able to update this one for a while. : )

*does this mean what I think it means?y'know,french kissing?if not,stop snickering and tell me.


End file.
